Dear 21 Year Old Me,

Hey there! 

I know you're busy...probably about to go get your drink on or spend countless hours in the Boilerhouse with CRoss but I need to write you a few lines. So here goes... 

First, isn't 21 awesome? You can finally order a beer in a restaurant or buy a bottle of wine for a movie night. Oh yeah and you can get into bars. Listen, go out as much as possible. There are a couple of nights where you miss opportunities and now, well now you're 24 and going out isn't really happening. There are a few nights where you blow off responsibilities and that nagging voice telling you to go to bed. High five to you on being a typical 21 year old. And when you're out, don't be afraid to dance. Yes, you will look ridiculous. WHY DO YOU CARE? Throw your hands up and belt out the lyrics to whatever catchy Katy Perry song is playing. You just don't let completely loose often enough. 

What's next? Oh pad the bottom of Ar's bed. You won't regret it and it'll save you a broken toe. Buy ear plugs...your roommate gets up early and sprays excessive hair spray everywhere... she also can't seem to stop slamming drawers shut or dropping things. You love her any way. 

Get in the habit of actually working out. I know you won't but I'm asking nicely. Please? Fine, don't. Enjoy that doughnut. 

Have more family nights. There's a night where you and all your girls have a "family night." You'll laugh until you cry, drink until there's a haze, and play several (almost violent) rounds of Spoons. Hug your girls close because now it's been a year since you've seen any of them...it sucks. 

Keep working hard at school. Your Junior year is hard, I know. But I promise you get through it. AND, listen here jerk...I am so mad at you for signing up for badminton as a class for your Senior year. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU IT SUCKS AND YOU AREN'T GOOD AT IT. I know you aren't listening because "how hard can it be?" Really freaking hard and it keeps you from getting honors but whatever, lazy ass. 

I really wish you'd get an internship. It does matter after college and without one you're basically only qualified to stock shelves at a retail store. 

And finally, do not despair or be afraid of the drug trial. It's going to be one of the hardest things you do. You're going to actually look and feel sick for the first time since your diagnosis. It sucks but keep your head up. What you get out of the failed trial is worth the pain, the hair loss, the constant exhaustion, the feeling like crap. I promise you this, you survive it and hell, SPOILER ALERT: you are relieved when you're kicked off the trial. I promise that while your doctor is cussing, your faithful trial coordinator is looking at you with sad eyes, and your mother is holding back tears, you'll have the smallest of smiles on your face. Almost like you knew better things were coming, we're brilliant. 

Live it up. Love every minute of your life because you'll blink and suddenly you're 24 sitting in Panera, missing everyone. Stay strong and stay true to your wonderful, awkward, hilarious, weird self. 

Love, 
Me 

Oh Carrie

Now I already wrote about my favorite Carrie Underwood videos but this is a completely different list. This list is perhaps more important. These are my favorite songs by CU that you've probably never even heard, so sad. So, check it out...

1. Lessons Learned

It don't make no difference, the past can't be rewritten...

2. Change

Love is alive, don't listen to them when they say...

3. Play On

Don't you ever give up the fight even when you feel you're all alone...

4. Nobody Ever Told You

Wish you could see yourself the way I do...

5. Unapologize

Said what I meant, then I lied and said I was sorry...

6. Starts With Goodbye

But when you're standing at a crossroad, there's a choice you gotta make...

7. More Boys I Meet

Why can't they be like ones that mean everything to me...

8. Crazy Dreams

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you...

Ah man, she's so great. You're welcome. 

Perhaps What You've All Been Waiting For

I've been wrestling with the idea of writing about NF2 for quite some time. I mean obviously I was going to write about it eventually but the question became, what do I write about? I've experienced enough and know enough to fill up endless blogs and pages and notebooks. And I've only been aware of my case for 6 years. Do I write about the specifics of NF2? Or just my case of NF2? Do I write about fundraising for NF2? Do I write about Avastin and my infusions? Do I write about the other patients I've met? The people who've changed my life? Do I write about what NF2 has taken from me, and then what I took back? 

I'm sure I'll eventually cover all those topics, each one is important and means something to me. But today, today I write about my newest development. It's an internal struggle that I cannot seem to quiet. I'm trying to decide if what I've done recently is giving in or growing up. Let me clarify...

The other week I went and got myself a hearing aide for my right ear. It's the ear that still has hearing left. I score (on average) 73% word recognition in that ear. It's doable and I thought I was functioning pretty well. For years I've balked at the idea of a hearing aide. My thoughts being that getting one was a sign of weakness, of giving up. I just don't need another thing wrong with me, another set of doctor appointments, another constant reminder that I'm plagued by something that I cannot control. Things are fine, were fine. 

Then I moved to Tennessee, away from my sister/interpreter, and I gave in. I saw the audiologist down here (she's lovely) and tried out a hearing aide. And yeah, it helps. It helps probably more than I'd like to admit. So, I got one. My very own contraption. I don't strain all day to decipher conversations with people and I don't think I'm nearly as tired at the end of the day. Growth. Progress. But I'm having trouble calling it growing up and most days feel like I gave in. Each time I wrestle it into my ear, it feels like a shot to the ribs. And I can't seem to figure out why I feel this way. Am I just being stubborn? Why should I resist help? Maybe it's because I've been fighting this thing, throwing myself at it for six years. Maybe it's the competitor in me. Maybe I'm just confused. Maybe I just need to give it more time. Most likely I just have more growing up to do. So for now I deal with it, I stuff it into my ear and go about my day. Someday I'm sure I'll gush all over this wondrous and amazing invention but that day is not today.