I told myself I wasn't going to get involved

I told myself I wasn't going to get involved. I rarely do when it comes to the discourse people carry out on social media. It has become easy for the masses to sit behind screens and argue and lie and piss and moan. It has become too easy to fling your opinions carelessly about with no regard for consequences.

I have read many articles, blogs, and think pieces about Caitlyn Jenner and her journey. I have read and watched wonderful things about love and acceptance and bravery. I have also read the other side of the spectrum. I have read articles or posts where people refuse to call Caitlyn by her chosen name, instead repeatedly calling her Bruce. One particular post claimed Caitlyn was merely "playing dress up." Did that person stop to ask themselves why? Why did Caitlyn change how she dresses and her physical appearance? Caitlyn identifies as a woman. The labels of woman and man are social constructs. Every day we practice these constructs to demonstrate that we are a woman or man. Even if Caitlyn simply asked to be addressed as a woman without any other change, our strict society would not allow her to feel like a woman. Being trans is not simply about your sex organs, it is about being accepted and acknowledged by society as the gender you identify yourself as. Most times, changes must be made in order for this to happen.

Now let's just turn our attention back to this post. The author repeatedly implies that Caitlyn is not courageous, that Caitlyn is not a hero, that Caitlyn is a trending topic of no real importance. What about that young trans teen sitting behind their screen reading your Facebook post? Caitlyn is their hero. What about the middle aged business man ravaged by depression because they don't have the courage to be who they really are? Caitlyn is a hero to them, and many like them. Hell she is a hero to me.

Ahem *sips water* it was pointed out to me earlier today that this particular award, the Arthur Ashe Courage Award, was given to Michael Sam in 2014. He was the first openly gay football player drafted to the NFL, yet he was lauded and praised. AS HE SHOULD BE. He was a hero, courageous. JUST. LIKE. CAITLYN. Also Arthur Ashe's own daughter supports Caitlyn as the recipient. 

Does this mean any of the other nominees are any less so? Absolutely not. Everyone is allowed to have their opinions and beliefs. People forget to be kind, decent humans while expressing their beliefs. No one needs to be blatantly disrespectful and hateful while expressing opinions. 

I have final thoughts. Of course I do. And perhaps these last few words will upset people. They might even upset my family members or friends. I have seen a lot of backlash due to religious beliefs. I have read things about Caitlyn living in sin or having sin. There have been some particularly troubling posts saying, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I love those who are [insert any term describing someone outside the social norm] but I do not love their sin" EXCUSE ME? First of all being bisexual, gay, transgender, genderfluid, or purple does not equate sin, hell it doesn't mean anything about anyone's character. I know plenty of white heteros with the WORST personalities and moral compasses. I may not be Christian and I guess that means I do not know what it means to love as a Christian BUT I know what it means to love and be loved. Loving someone means loving every single piece of them, even the parts you might not understand or agree with.You don't get to ever say "I love you but..." no. No buts. You claim to love someone like Jesus, you claim to love someone at all in any way...there are no buts. 

Finally I say to all the people out there struggling with identity or sexuality or what have you having to listen to the onslaught of negativity about gender, sexuality, and societal roles...those negative voices are so damn loud right now because that group is yelling as loud as they can. They are yelling because they are terrified. They are terrified because they are part of a dying breed. The social discourse is changing. People are changing. People are turning to love and acceptance and change. It's happening slowly but it's happening. Those naysayers are unable to adapt, so they are dying out and they freaking know it. They are becoming the minority. 

Hang in there. Change is here.

Dear 21 Year Old Me,

Hey there! 

I know you're busy...probably about to go get your drink on or spend countless hours in the Boilerhouse with CRoss but I need to write you a few lines. So here goes... 

First, isn't 21 awesome? You can finally order a beer in a restaurant or buy a bottle of wine for a movie night. Oh yeah and you can get into bars. Listen, go out as much as possible. There are a couple of nights where you miss opportunities and now, well now you're 24 and going out isn't really happening. There are a few nights where you blow off responsibilities and that nagging voice telling you to go to bed. High five to you on being a typical 21 year old. And when you're out, don't be afraid to dance. Yes, you will look ridiculous. WHY DO YOU CARE? Throw your hands up and belt out the lyrics to whatever catchy Katy Perry song is playing. You just don't let completely loose often enough. 

What's next? Oh pad the bottom of Ar's bed. You won't regret it and it'll save you a broken toe. Buy ear plugs...your roommate gets up early and sprays excessive hair spray everywhere... she also can't seem to stop slamming drawers shut or dropping things. You love her any way. 

Get in the habit of actually working out. I know you won't but I'm asking nicely. Please? Fine, don't. Enjoy that doughnut. 

Have more family nights. There's a night where you and all your girls have a "family night." You'll laugh until you cry, drink until there's a haze, and play several (almost violent) rounds of Spoons. Hug your girls close because now it's been a year since you've seen any of them...it sucks. 

Keep working hard at school. Your Junior year is hard, I know. But I promise you get through it. AND, listen here jerk...I am so mad at you for signing up for badminton as a class for your Senior year. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU IT SUCKS AND YOU AREN'T GOOD AT IT. I know you aren't listening because "how hard can it be?" Really freaking hard and it keeps you from getting honors but whatever, lazy ass. 

I really wish you'd get an internship. It does matter after college and without one you're basically only qualified to stock shelves at a retail store. 

And finally, do not despair or be afraid of the drug trial. It's going to be one of the hardest things you do. You're going to actually look and feel sick for the first time since your diagnosis. It sucks but keep your head up. What you get out of the failed trial is worth the pain, the hair loss, the constant exhaustion, the feeling like crap. I promise you this, you survive it and hell, SPOILER ALERT: you are relieved when you're kicked off the trial. I promise that while your doctor is cussing, your faithful trial coordinator is looking at you with sad eyes, and your mother is holding back tears, you'll have the smallest of smiles on your face. Almost like you knew better things were coming, we're brilliant. 

Live it up. Love every minute of your life because you'll blink and suddenly you're 24 sitting in Panera, missing everyone. Stay strong and stay true to your wonderful, awkward, hilarious, weird self. 

Love, 
Me 

Oh Carrie

Now I already wrote about my favorite Carrie Underwood videos but this is a completely different list. This list is perhaps more important. These are my favorite songs by CU that you've probably never even heard, so sad. So, check it out...

1. Lessons Learned

It don't make no difference, the past can't be rewritten...

2. Change

Love is alive, don't listen to them when they say...

3. Play On

Don't you ever give up the fight even when you feel you're all alone...

4. Nobody Ever Told You

Wish you could see yourself the way I do...

5. Unapologize

Said what I meant, then I lied and said I was sorry...

6. Starts With Goodbye

But when you're standing at a crossroad, there's a choice you gotta make...

7. More Boys I Meet

Why can't they be like ones that mean everything to me...

8. Crazy Dreams

There's a little bit of all that inside of me and you...

Ah man, she's so great. You're welcome. 

Perhaps What You've All Been Waiting For

I've been wrestling with the idea of writing about NF2 for quite some time. I mean obviously I was going to write about it eventually but the question became, what do I write about? I've experienced enough and know enough to fill up endless blogs and pages and notebooks. And I've only been aware of my case for 6 years. Do I write about the specifics of NF2? Or just my case of NF2? Do I write about fundraising for NF2? Do I write about Avastin and my infusions? Do I write about the other patients I've met? The people who've changed my life? Do I write about what NF2 has taken from me, and then what I took back? 

I'm sure I'll eventually cover all those topics, each one is important and means something to me. But today, today I write about my newest development. It's an internal struggle that I cannot seem to quiet. I'm trying to decide if what I've done recently is giving in or growing up. Let me clarify...

The other week I went and got myself a hearing aide for my right ear. It's the ear that still has hearing left. I score (on average) 73% word recognition in that ear. It's doable and I thought I was functioning pretty well. For years I've balked at the idea of a hearing aide. My thoughts being that getting one was a sign of weakness, of giving up. I just don't need another thing wrong with me, another set of doctor appointments, another constant reminder that I'm plagued by something that I cannot control. Things are fine, were fine. 

Then I moved to Tennessee, away from my sister/interpreter, and I gave in. I saw the audiologist down here (she's lovely) and tried out a hearing aide. And yeah, it helps. It helps probably more than I'd like to admit. So, I got one. My very own contraption. I don't strain all day to decipher conversations with people and I don't think I'm nearly as tired at the end of the day. Growth. Progress. But I'm having trouble calling it growing up and most days feel like I gave in. Each time I wrestle it into my ear, it feels like a shot to the ribs. And I can't seem to figure out why I feel this way. Am I just being stubborn? Why should I resist help? Maybe it's because I've been fighting this thing, throwing myself at it for six years. Maybe it's the competitor in me. Maybe I'm just confused. Maybe I just need to give it more time. Most likely I just have more growing up to do. So for now I deal with it, I stuff it into my ear and go about my day. Someday I'm sure I'll gush all over this wondrous and amazing invention but that day is not today. 

Here We Go Again

Almost a year has passed since my move from Illinois to South Carolina. I made the move, basically, on a whim. I had just come to the crushing realization that I couldn't afford to move to/live in Boston and I was devastated. Boston was my first big dream, my first attempt at reaching too far for something I wanted. It broke me a little to come so close to it and fall just short. So, one night I was feeling horrible about everything, perhaps even a little lost, and I called my sister. We talked and I maybe cried and she told me to come to South Carolina. She promised to take care of me and put me back together, so I did. 

Now I feel whole again, I've accepted my reality. I have spent a year stitching myself together and coming up with a new dream for myself. I am not resigning my lease, I am not staying in South Carolina. It was always temporary for me. I decided going into this that if I found the right job, the right guy, I'd stay. But those things didn't happen so off I go. 

As lame as it might sound off I head to Knoxville, TN...yes that is where my parents reside. Hey, I miss them and I miss my horse. I'll search for a job and I am preparing myself to head back to school. After hours of job searching I've come to terms with the fact that I need my Masters to really get any job I actually want. So, off to UT I'll head in the next year or so. 

I'm excited to start this new part of my life but there's a part of me that is sad. I've spent a year with my sister as my constant companion. That's a year of laughing until I cry, a year of Netflix, a year of beach days, a year of pups, a year of inside jokes, a year of speaking in our own language, a year of struggling together, a year of healing. I'll miss it. I'll even miss annoying each other. It's impossible to fully describe what this last year has meant for me. Perhaps the only one who really knows what it has been like is my mini me...and Jords of course. 

So, come September I'll pack up my life and my cat and my dog and say goodbye to the palm trees and sand...and my best friend, my little shadow, my sister. We'll always have North Chuck, boo. 

Orange is the New Black: The Best Show On "TV"

My apologies for my absence. I have been working...OH AND WATCHING THIS FANTASTIC TV SHOW. As many people know Netflix has been putting out their own original tv series recently. They've released Hemlock Grove and House of Cards, neither of which I bothered watching (although I have heard amazing things about House of Cards). Earlier this week my sister casually mentioned this tv series on Netflix that her and Sketch watch. "You should check it out." We like the same tv so I thought I'd give it a try but wasn't expecting anything special. Shit, was I wrong. 

The show follows Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling) as the typical white, suburbanite, vegan, WASP woman who gets throw in prison for a crime committed 10 years prior, while following her drug importing girlfriend (Laura Prepon) around the world. She's now leaving behind her "perfect" life with her cookie cutter fiance, Larry Bloom (Jason Biggs) and budding new business. She approaches her stay in prison with naivety and awkwardness. When asked why she is in prison, her response is "aren't you not supposed to ask that? I read you shouldn't ask that." Her fellow inmates laugh at her studying for prison. Her nightmare is only intensified when she discovers the ex-girlfriend (who she blames for everything) is being held in the same facility. 

Ok, that's all I'm giving you in the way of synopsis. It's best this way, trust me. But WARNING folks, this show has racism, heavy cussing, female nudity, semi graphic girl on girl sex scenes, and violence. If any of that makes you uncomfortable...your loss. 

Here's why it's so damn good. 

It would have been easy for the writers and creator (Jenji Kohan, creator of Weeds) to solely focus on Piper's point of view throughout this whole series but she is merely the launching point for the story-telling. Following only her perspective would provide a mediocre show that would probably fizzle out. Through Chapman (everyone goes by last names in Litchfield) we meet a slew of characters and slowly learn each backstory for them. Orange uses flashbacks to reveal how each character ended up in prison. The flashbacks are used beautifully and you seamlessly slip between past and present. While watching these women make their mistakes, I sat and wondered would I make the same choices? The same mistakes? Would I too, end up behind bars if I was greeted with their circumstances? Hard to say.

Orange could easily become one of those shows that preaches to you about issues or teaches life lessons, almost talking down to it's audience. But it doesn't. Intense topics are in the show: the power abuse of guards over inmates, sexuality, racism, recidivism, abuse of inmates, addiction, and several other issues. The show never tells you how to feel about these hardships, it simply shows them to you. It lets you come to your own conclusions, never once pushing you to feel any particular way. 

Schilling is fantastic as Chapman. Each time I thought I had her figured out a new curve was thrown and Schilling delivered it. There are moments where I was rooting for Chapman with everything I had and then mere seconds later I was disgusted by her. I haven't seen a television character this narcissistic in a long time, maybe ever. Chapman has shining moments of self discovery and humanity then quickly turns to manipulation and selfishness. Her character feels so real, so flawed. She delivers a particularly wondrous monologue later in the season to a juvenile inmate on a tour that made my hair stand on end and gave me chills. 

In a cast full of amazing female performances Biggs stands tall. I was unsure of how Larry would continue to be integrated into the show. He visits Piper in prison and they share numerous phone calls. The audience also follows his life while he tries to cope with the absence of Piper. His downward spiral into loathsome is intriguing and horrific. Biggs pulls it off. 

Remember Donna from That 70's Show? She's back, y'all. Prepon was born to play drug importing Alex Vause. She was a pleasant surprise because I'd only ever really seen her as Donna. And let's be honest there wasn't a lot going on there but when given real material to work with, Prepon shines. I was ready to hate her, I mean she's the reason Piper got in trouble but I fell in love with Alex. Prepon plays her with such truth. She's 80% badass and  20% emotional mess. As each layer of her character was revealed I liked her even more. And damn do her and Schilling have crazy chemistry. I was impressed by Biggs and Schilling, thinking to myself "damn they have great chemistry, no one will be able to top that!" BOOM, enter Prepon. There's a scene between Chapman and Vause where Vause is locked in a dryer and they are just talking but it's shockingly intense and wonderful. 

There is a mess of amazing supporting inmates and guards (most of the guards are gross human beings). Kate Mulgrew (apparently she's a Trekkie) plays hardass Red, the Russian head cook or Queen Been if you will. Natasha Lyonne (American Pie anyone?) is Nicky Nichols, the disgusting and hilarious drug addict. Tayrn Manning (the pregnant chick that fell down the stairs in Crossroads) as hick, meth head, religious nut Pennsatucky will make you cringe. Basically unknown Michelle Brooks as Taystee is hilarious and her friendship with Poussey Washington (Samira Wiley) will warm your heart. There are many other amazing actresses and actors that just light up the screen.

While there is plenty of comedy in this show, it is an intense ride. The show builds and builds the relationships between it's characters and then waits until the final episode to let it boil over. You'll finish the season with your mouth hanging open and wondering how you'll survive until the release of season two. 

Orange is the New Black is about humanity, truth, relationships, love, friendship, forgiveness, mistakes, comfort, power, survival. 

I don't know what more I can say to convince you...GO WATCH THIS FREAKING SHOW. 

The Badass Ladies of the Silver Screen

I love a good kick ass female character in my movies. Here are some of the biggest badasses. 

The Bride (Kill Bill Vol 1 &2) 

Scarlett O'Hara (Gone With The Wind) 

(side note: this doesn't mean I like her, in fact I despise Scarlett but homegirl gets what she wants...she's awful but an original badass)

Alice (Resident Evil franchise) 

Victoria (Red) 

Jordan O'Neill (G.I. Jane) 

Hermione Granger (Harry Potter franchise) 

Celia, Minny, Skeeter, & Aibileen (The Help) 

Erin Brockovich (duh...) 

Lisbeth Salander (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) 

Holly Golightly (Breakfast At Tiffany's) 

Shosanna Dreyfus (Inglorious Basterds) 

Grace Andrews (The Hitcher) 

Sydney Prescott (Scream franchise) 

Clarice Starling (The Silence of The Lambs) 

Michelle Rodriguez...in everything 

Keep up the good work ladies.